So I just had my trials last week. And I'm having classes already. G.R.E.A.T =____=
OK, back to trials. First problem of all : THE TIMETABLE SUCKS HARD!!!!!
It was P4 Chemistry with FMP, P4 Physics with MA and FMA in 3 days consecutively. I mean WTF?!!!! As if Chemistry is not bad enough TARC have to have FMP on the same day. And Physics have to be not left alone. And FMA have to be in the same week. How in the world am I gonna handle 3 Maths paper in the same week not mentioning two of them are FM?!!!!! Way to go TARC. Thanks for ruining my trials results. I was planning to apply for that UCAS or something. But looking at the timetable I know I'm gonna fuck up my trials real bad. Oh, did I mention all the easy papers like P5 Chemistry, P5 Physics and MP are on another week? These are my scoring papers and they have it in another week, AFTER all those depressing papers. Come on lar, who the hell will have the mood to study after screwing up the papers before that. I know I don't.
And classes started already. So considering my efficient lecturer's performance, results are out. And as I have guessed, results were real bad. Like REAL BAD. I failed 2 papers and got D for another 2. Damn I might even fail 3 subjects. And it was trials too. Not that I didn't try my best, I did. I studied till 3am for one week. Just to finish all the syllabus for all subjects. And it didn't help much. Since I can't answer anything much when the paper came out. Damn stress during trials. For the first time I cried studying. Not the normal crying out loud type. Just the silent cry with tears flowing and not making a sound. I guess nobody knew or guessed that I cried because of exam. Well I did. For the first time. I can foresee more of that moment.
I can sort of imagine what my mom will say right now. And she'll be so angry she'll be shouting till the whole house shook, asking why I get such a bad result. (Exaggerating much.. LOL..) And she will start saying all kinds of things like how I keep on playing, how I don't study, how I wasted her money sending me to college, how this will affect my future, bla bla bla. As if I don't know how much college costs. As if I don't know how bad my future seems to be. But what she doesn't know is my situation. My feelings. My thoughts. Having bad results, who doesn't feel down?!! And she will keep nagging and nagging like I don't care about my results. I DO. If not I wouldn't be studying till late night, going for classes when I don't even feel like going. And it won't pass her mind that I am sad at the moment. Hoping for some encouragement or comforting from her. But no. She will just scold and scold and scold. It has always been like that since young. Or maybe the thought did get to her but she still does the scolding. I wonder which is worse; she scolding without having the thought that I am sad or with the thought? Hmmmm...
And I won't tell her about how I studied till 3am. Or the fact that I cried during exam. I won't. She will probably make fun of my effort or say things like "Who ask you to study at the last minute?" etc etc. But what she doesn't know is how much we need to study. How difficult it is to finish all in time. How difficult it is to score a decent 50 out of 100. How difficult the paper is until so many things so many other students can't answer. There's so many things she doesn't know. She is still in the world that I can get first place in every test, getting full As in every major exam. I've accepted the fact that I'm not that good in studies, compared to people like Andrew or Min Yue or Jun Hui. I've moved on, but she's still in that world. And I have brothers who went through F6. So you may think that they are supportive. But no. They will start asking questions like "Why did you not study?" or "Why can't you handle the paper if you studied?" How am I supposed to answer those questions? It's not like they will understand my answer. I mean they're not me. So they can't understand what I'm going through. My family's like this. They have always been. And I'm not expecting them to change. I just need to be patient till I have the ability to survive on my own without depending on them. Many will think I'm such a bad child, but I can't help it. Blame the way I'm brought up. Blame the environment I'm in. Or just blame me.
Now I need to drug myself with games so that I don't have to look at my books. Looking at them reminds me of my results. And the question whether studying will make a difference. I'm not someone who can study 24/7. I'm not someone who can understand everything I study. I'm not someone who can relate everything to anything. I'm just who I am, an average boy who likes to have fun and try to take things as it is. But it seems everyone expects me to be somebody else. Far from who I am. And that's why I have 2 faces. One I show here in college and another at home. I'm just so so tired from fulfilling everyone's expectation. Who's gonna fulfil mine? *sigh*
Signing off.
