Cloudy Day~

As the title suggests , it is actually cloudy today..and rainy..it rained and stopped alternately for 4
times this morning.. O.o anyway , i'm feeling moody today anyway..most probably i was thinking
too much i guess..which i don't have any idea what triggered this..well , this has been what i'm
 thinking since young..which also comes from  my biggest fear..

LONELINESS

yeah , coming from a not so happy family made me into a person who loves his friends more than
his family..which somehow made me ask this same question over the years , "Am I a good friend?"
i mean am i good as a friend? or you are just entertaining me as i seem so desperate for a
friend?

YES. I AM DESPERATE.

friends have been my most valuable asset till now and always will. they have been there for me
whenever and for whatever reason there is. and being raised in a family that does not
accept new things readily , i cannot be myself there. and i can be the real me whenever i'm
with friends. yeah , now you see how important friends are to me.
but lately there's an incident which makes me question myself as a friend.
i have a friend , let's call him H , whom i'm very close with in school. i used to talk to him
bout anything , anything at all. okay , after school we separated to different colleges and yeah ,
we didn't contact each other much. and few days ago was his birthday. yeah , i wished him and
all. he did reply my message and i replied him "how you've been?" and then there was no reply.
i was like "WTH?" you can reply my previous message and not this? okay fine. maybe you're
busy. fine. so i wished him again on FB. oh , it din't even take half a minute to say "thanks" .
okay , i tried chatting with him on FB . and yet this guy didn't reply anything.
yeah , and then i realised he never replies to my messages , FB wall posts or even MSN.
and i can't accept that he didn't realise i done all of that. i mean after all those years you
just decided to cut all connection with me? i was then thinking to myself "is it my fault? why
you wanna avoid me? " i've been thinking and thinking why would he do that. i've also
been thinking of the past when we used to go watch a movie or having sleepovers.
and then i realised , it was always me who made the first step. not only to him , but
basically all my friends. it will be me who's gonna call them for a movie or yam cha
sessions or sleepovers or just go to starbucks and sit and chat. and if i don't , they
won't call me. and these are some of my besties i'm talking about. even the not so close ones
will sometimes ask me out. i mean WTH? i don't call you out and you can just forget about me?
who am i to you? a nobody? and now i don't even know where i belong to anymore.
i've been having less stuff to talk to them anymore. like if i chat with them on MSN ,
it's not gonna last for an hour. it's gonna be "ok , fine , life's good " kind of short answers.
i mean is it me or you that have changed so much that we don't talk to each other anymore?
and being me , i blame myself. i always did think maybe i'm not good enough or not worthy
of being anyone's friend. seeing my friends keeping in touch , i did with some of them.
but with you , H , i give up. you won't even respond to any kind of communication from me ,
so what's the point? and despite having the fear of being forgotten , i have to move on , even
after you did or did not forgotten bout me. i can't stay at wherever i am now hoping that you
will not forget me. and though i look cheerful and strong outside , i am indeed a very fragile
person. so this situation is making my day really bad.




Signing off.